It's almost funny, the measures I take to avoid certain responsibilities. How can a mind wander so far? How do I even find it after it takes off? Or sinks down into my deepest self. One I still am figuring out.
And does self discovery justify being the laziest student with passing grades possible? I don't really know. I don't claim to know much. But I think it does. If I love it, I learn it. If I learn it, I love it. But Positivist Theory of communication can suck it. So far, I've learned that perception = reality. And I'm choosing to wear goggles, so to speak. I find it far more comforting to believe that people create the ultimate meaning of life. That goodness of heart is an authentic aspect of my unique relations. That I'm not a player in a game, a role in a script, a puppet of a supernatural existence. I'm a chooser and I'm a thinker.
Maybe I'm thinking the wrong stuff, but at least I never slow down. Maybe distraction will be the death of me, but at least I keep it interesting.
the eskhaton
Friday, June 3, 2011
Wednesday, May 4, 2011
i am not this body
i am not this mind
i am not my words
i am not encased in time
i am not a morning
an afternoon, or night
i am not the darkness
i am not the light
i am not a fired synapse
or a heated rush of blood
i am not my senses
i am not the only one..
i would consider myself something similar to: one minuscule manifestation of omnipresent energy among the massive masses of manifestations out there at this particular moment. i imagine myself as a tiny piece of DNA sitting in a strand working with what's around me, creating something larger and more complex than even my imagination can guess. but i, i alone, am nothing.
i am not this mind
i am not my words
i am not encased in time
i am not a morning
an afternoon, or night
i am not the darkness
i am not the light
i am not a fired synapse
or a heated rush of blood
i am not my senses
i am not the only one..
i would consider myself something similar to: one minuscule manifestation of omnipresent energy among the massive masses of manifestations out there at this particular moment. i imagine myself as a tiny piece of DNA sitting in a strand working with what's around me, creating something larger and more complex than even my imagination can guess. but i, i alone, am nothing.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
visualizing truth
I'm curious as to how people envision layers of reality in their minds. When you think of something tangible, do you see a replica of a "real image" that was recorded through your eyes at an earlier time? What about abstractions or "real" physical places you've yet to "really" discover? Physics, spacetime grids, love, your own mind, Tripoli at this moment. What if there was another dimension that could expose us to our entire history at once? That absolutely nulled all scientific or religious arguments of creation. That told what happens to us after we die. That answered every existential question asked by mankind. What if people were already tapping in to this dimension? What would you think if I told you that a man in solitude, at the peak of mountain Somewhere Out There, was ripping long tears into the barrier that divides us from True divinity? How would you imagine this place in your head? Can you imagine yourself there, too?
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Recovering: Writings from 5/4/09 ("Diary of a Whore named Fat-Fat")
Dear Stomach & Digestive Tract,
First of all, I just want you to know, it was never an issue about love. I have always loved you. But I am human and I have done wrong. This has happened a few times before and I swore long ago to never let it happen again. I was going to take care of you and give you everything you needed and desired. Somehow, I began to undermine our relationship and I did you wrong. I am so sorry for that. I know you’re upset, boy do I. And I swear I have learned a valuable lesson from this. Never again will I succumb to desire like I did tonight. It was selfish and unhealthy and I won’t even try to seek forgiveness. I just want you to know that I will always love you, deeper and more truly than I could ever love some cup of frozen yogurt or log of cookie dough. We do have a good thing, and if you forgive me just this once, I swear I’ll never make these mistakes again. Never will I travel the road of such gluttony. Together we will be pure and caring and beautiful. Love Always,
Heather
First of all, I just want you to know, it was never an issue about love. I have always loved you. But I am human and I have done wrong. This has happened a few times before and I swore long ago to never let it happen again. I was going to take care of you and give you everything you needed and desired. Somehow, I began to undermine our relationship and I did you wrong. I am so sorry for that. I know you’re upset, boy do I. And I swear I have learned a valuable lesson from this. Never again will I succumb to desire like I did tonight. It was selfish and unhealthy and I won’t even try to seek forgiveness. I just want you to know that I will always love you, deeper and more truly than I could ever love some cup of frozen yogurt or log of cookie dough. We do have a good thing, and if you forgive me just this once, I swear I’ll never make these mistakes again. Never will I travel the road of such gluttony. Together we will be pure and caring and beautiful. Love Always,
Heather
grow up
I look around this room, and I see things. Symbols. Pieces of a kitchen broken down into their tiny constituent parts. Their thick viscosities and cardboard wrappers and fizzy bubbles. As such, they mean extremely little to me. And this, oddly, makes me feel like a baby. In this moment, I’m just as likely to stick a spatula in my mouth as a lollipop. There is no difference between the thick black plasticy item and the narrow paper stick with gooey red sweetness on top. They both are mouth toys. Or throw toys. Or stick-in-my-diaper-and-run gems. Hairpieces. Garden tools. Whatever. As a baby, I didn’t have an eating disorder or a social complex. Babies naturally crave balanced nutritious foods. They are naturally healthy. And since people are just old babies, I think that means we all were naturally healthy at one point. It just slips away. Into a land of advertising schemes, peer judgments, social obligations, and corporate grease. I can remember the day I refused to bring lunch to school, because all my stupid spoiled 6th grade friends bought cup o’ noodles or chimichangas or personal pan pizzas from the fat ladies who worked at the food carts. This is simply how things go; I dove, like so many others, head first into a dysfunctional future of poor self-image mixed with cookie dough and nachos. The food history of my life is relevant here, but cumbersome and expendable to my point. I remember a lot of things about being a teenager that make me sad and sick to my stomach (no pun intended), but we won’t worry about the hell of puberty right now. No, no. right now, we are looking at this dilapidated eighty year old kitchen like it's a giant shiny Russian doll game, full of big containers that are full of littler containers, that are full of even littler containers still. And somewhere inside those containers are squishy smelly colorful things that I could paint walls with or give a starving kid to make his belly less poochy. Symbols. They are so powerful in this capitalist economy, in this democratic society. So powerful and ubiquitous that this feeling of ignorance towards persuasive marketing labels is actually a luxury. Just like the luxury of taking in pretty, foreign colors and shapes as a baby. Big head. Little feet. Bright eyes, healthy. Sometimes we have to regress to “grow up.”
Friday, February 18, 2011
Recovering: writings from 11/18/08
I just want you to know
That you’re incredibly misleading
When it’s dark outside and I can’t see
I feel you right beneath me
And it’s snowing but it’s hot in here
Inside this crystal ball
I think the earth is rolling now
And I am moving on
That you’re incredibly misleading
When it’s dark outside and I can’t see
I feel you right beneath me
And it’s snowing but it’s hot in here
Inside this crystal ball
I think the earth is rolling now
And I am moving on
Friday, February 11, 2011
for anyone who was ever unsure...
I want to set the record straight on a slightly uncommon, and often uncomfortable, linguistic slip-up.
PHALLIC is an adjective, meaning "of, relating to, or resembling a phallus or erect penis." This is why it's appropriate (or maybe not "appropriate" but at least not incorrect) to make sexual jokes about bananas. Because they are PHALLIC in appearance.
FELLATIO is a verb, meaning "oral sex performed upon the penis." Fun fact: it's derived from fellatus which is the past participle of the verb fellare, which means "to suck."
FALLACIOUS is an adjective derived from "fallacy," which means "a mistaken belief, esp. one based on unsound argument." It has nothing to do with a penis. Unless of course you consider the famous "he has big hands, so you know what that means!" theory. It does NOT mean he has a big penis. That would (more than likely) be a FALLACIOUS statement.
So there you have it. Never fear making a Freudian slip during a political debate again! (internal narration: Or maybe I'm the only one who has had this problem in the past...? Not possible!) Cheers!
PHALLIC is an adjective, meaning "of, relating to, or resembling a phallus or erect penis." This is why it's appropriate (or maybe not "appropriate" but at least not incorrect) to make sexual jokes about bananas. Because they are PHALLIC in appearance.
FELLATIO is a verb, meaning "oral sex performed upon the penis." Fun fact: it's derived from fellatus which is the past participle of the verb fellare, which means "to suck."
FALLACIOUS is an adjective derived from "fallacy," which means "a mistaken belief, esp. one based on unsound argument." It has nothing to do with a penis. Unless of course you consider the famous "he has big hands, so you know what that means!" theory. It does NOT mean he has a big penis. That would (more than likely) be a FALLACIOUS statement.
So there you have it. Never fear making a Freudian slip during a political debate again! (internal narration: Or maybe I'm the only one who has had this problem in the past...? Not possible!) Cheers!
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